Friday, September 5, 2014

On Civility at Costco



As to politeness … I would venture to call it benevolence in trifles, or the preference of others to ourselves, in little, daily, hourly occurrences in the commerce of life… What is it but sacrificing ourselves in such trifles to the convenience and pleasure of others? And this constitutes true politeness. It is a perpetual attention—by habit it grows easy and natural to us—to the little wants of those we are with. -Earl of Chatham
Can we talk?
                I was never a great fan of Joan Rivers. She could be hilarious, but she was often nastier than Don Rickles. Humor that demeaned people, personally, was never satisfactory to me. Caricatures, types, yes. The guy on the set after the joke – no.
                Of course, I was young when she was in her hey-day. I was learning manners; the concept of being polite was fresh in my mind. Seeing outright rude behavior on television was confusing to me. I thought I wasn’t supposed to laugh at these things.
                Which brings me to my story.
                I was in Costco. There were 5 registers open and 5 or more people in line at each one. A man went to open a 6th register, and I could see what was about to happen. A rather imposing woman had just come around the corner with a cart piled above her head. She walked directly through a line and up to the newly opened register.
                I was furious. I was not opposed to waiting. If someone with one or two things had been behind me, I would have let them go ahead of me. In fact, I do that in the grocery store fairly often. This was very different. She was obviously not in a hurry. She left her cart in the middle of traffic to buy a hot dog once she was through. She had to talk for a while to the man at the counter, and the man called a second clerk over to talk about her food. She must have had some weighty questions about her hot dog.
                And we all just watched in amazement. I looked around. There might have been four people blissfully unaware of this aberrant behavior, but the rest of us were glaring. It was the crowd rule in action. When surrounded by others, we don’t want to be the one who complains. I was very close to complaining when she walked in front of me to the register. Once she was there, I thought it was too late. Not true.
                I waited for three people to check out before I headed out into the parking lot, and fate placed her car just two cars from mine. She was only beginning to put her purchases in her car. It must have taken a good 10 minutes for her to eat that hot dog to be loading her car when I was. I waited to watch an SUV race through the pedestrian walkway before I advanced toward the … woman. There were at least 4 very nasty words in that ellipsis by now, having various animals like pigs and cows included. A few scenarios passed through my mind. One was ( gasp, how did that happen?) losing control of my cart and ramming her side door, nearly missing her large behind. I won’t tell you about my other fantasies. After all,I didn’t do the things I might have.
                Instead, as I started to pass her, she turned to me, smiled and attempted to start a conversation. She invited me to communicate with her! I have no idea what was wrong with her: poor intelligence, parental negligence, a bank account so big the rest of us were not worthy of her notice. Whatever it was, she sealed the deal there. I looked her in the eyes  and said,”I am one of the 20 people you just walked in front of at the registers, and I have no desire to talk to you.” And I kept walking.
               I heard her say something about, “you and the horse you rode in on” and now used my deeply and angrily sarcastic voice,  “Yeah, I got that, lady.” I didn’t even call her a bitch. I was VERY, VERY good, believe me. But what  in the world allows someone, anyone, to think her behavior was not totally outrageous? Did that m&$$%*#$@er  f*(*#Eing asshole flunk kindergarten?
                This is where I go wrong. After it is over, the damn thing just won’t go away. I have to make an effort to push this insolence from my mind and see the good and the happy around me again. So I went to Lowe’s where a lovely lady helped me find a weed-whacker and I bought it and a few mums to polish off my recovery.
                Joan Rivers is gone; there is Kathy Griffon to take her place. Some people would say I am not patient or kind or I should have ignored the rude woman at Costco, or being nice would have made me feel so much better. I won’t say what I think about that because I am being good, and you have been kind enough to read this. But the truth is I was hurt by that woman. I was made to feel inconsequential, invisible, unworthy… I could go on. And I am old enough by now to have learned that being kind to people who do not deserve it isn’t doing anyone any favors.
                I like what Lord Chesterfield had to say to his son.
“Good manners are to particular societies what good morals are to society in general—their cement and their security.”